I guess life is like skiing a sport of continuous movement but like some aspects of my skiing my thoughts are static… I need to be open to change and new perspectives instead of building an ever-long tunnel. My life has been out of balance for some time now and I don’t think I can blame it all on corona and my hormone side effects though they definitely had some part to play.
These factors did affect my work and social life that’s for sure, they left me in a state of limbo. I don’t like limbo. There where other factors at play that where definitely within my control but I couldn’t see a way out. Ruminating negatives makes it hard to find solutions and I’ve been a queen of negative thinking of late. I was trying hard to progress in my chosen pathway and unhappy with my progression. I blamed work as an obstacle. Which it has been in some ways it’s kept me from the mountain. I haven’t been able to ski with friends and progress at the same level. But instead of accepting my circumstance I guess I have been comparing myself to others all too much. But in reality, I have a job a roof over my head and food in my belly. I have been able to sustain myself and make some progress so this is a win, right?
All this pressure has stopped me having fun and just enjoying the present. Since when did I become so bloody entitled? I’m a working-class northerner for f^cks sake we make things happen with hard work and shear will and ill get their eventually. Life will get rolling again soon and ill be ready to jump back on that train and kick some ass.
I also had my first love for another, yes, I am 30 and a little late to the party. It started out as admiration for me and we were definitely at different stages in life. I should have known then that I couldn’t have a relationship with this person. You can’t put somebody on a pedestal because where does that leave you?
Though a friendship we had and there was care from both sides but I was stuck in the need to better myself and wanting to be as interesting to him in return. If you can picture a bird flapping around to try and gain their mate well that was me… rather un dignifying. When really, I should have been working on my self esteem and embracing the fact that I’m still on my journey.
It's all about timing.
Don't get me wrong I haven't just been lying in a hole. I have had some good times this season and when I talk to friends about any insecurities I may be feeling. They always say I don't come across that way and I appear positive and strong. But internally I've been having an identity crisis I think. I got lost for a while and I have now just figured myself out. I've been able to communicate with myself and see my mishaps for what they are and I now have the confidence to share and communicate them with others.
I wouldn’t change the past year; I have learnt a lot about myself from the process and how important it is to prioritise your needs against external factors. With work related factors ill stand fast and negotiate my terms better so I still have time for me and my hobbies. As for relationships I guess starting one off on a more equal footing is not a bad plan, like seriously how can you have your heart broken without even being intimate? I’m clearly an amateur at this and better get some practice in.
So now its time to turn that internal frown upside down, Tanya’s pity party is over! Its time for fun and some goofing around, the worlds my oyster and now its time to live in the present. I already feel elevated and will soon be departing on a cycle trip to explore the south of Japan. All my ducks are in a row and if they quack off while I’m away so be it. I will definitely be blogging about my upcoming journey and any new perspectives I gain along the way. Who knows maybe I’ll meet somebody new, but the bar has been raised not just any schmuck will do ;).
My twenty pence of the day...
'ruminating negatives prevents you from seeing different perspectives.'